Shame Needs No Voice
by NightShadow131
Summary: Estel holds a deep secret tightly, refusing to let it surface. However, time passes and it eats at him, tearing at his facade. How much longer will he be able to endure?
1. Distances

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR or any of the characters.

**Warnings**: NON-CON! If you have a problem with that hit the Back button now! I don't want to hear it. Fair warning.

So it's been forever and a day since I've posted anything. Period. Especially a multi-chapter fic. I posted a one-shot about a year ago and that's pretty much it. It's extremely depressing but hopefully this'll be my come-back. I'm hoping that by posting something (even though I was planning on coming back with a different fic) that it'll inspire me to write more... Forgive any rustiness on my part! n.n

Hope you all enjoy! I am very nervous about this.

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**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter One: Distances**

Eildir pushed him down to the bed, leering down at him, his auburn hair dark in the shadows.

The man stared at his friend in shock. He struggled against the elf to get away, his heart beating wildly as fear seized him.

"Eildir! What are you doing?" the dark-haired man asked desperately. "Please, stop."

Eildir ignored Estel and straddled the man's thighs, pinning his arms above his head with one hand, making it impossible to move--the elf's strength was greater than his own.

He grinned down at Estel, hunger clearly seen in his dark eyes.

Estel kept shouting hysterically, hoping someone would hear his pleas and help. However, this night there was a celebration, laughter, loud music and cheers rang loudly through the halls.

No one could hear him. There would be no help.

His eyes started to well up with tears when Eildir started to unlace his leggings.

Estel shot up in bed, sweat drenching his clothes.

With wide eyes he scanned his chambers, fearful of what he might find.

He sighed with deep-rooted relief and flopped back down to his pillow when he found nothing. He laid there, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. He dared not close his eyes.

Soon, unable to bear the overpowering darkness and what could lay in wait, Estel abruptly got out of bed. Slipping on an overcoat, he made his way quietly outside to the garden, eyes wary.

He sat down on the bench in his favorite area. Although the dull lights were meant to brighten the night, they left eerie shadows stretching across the ground, reaching for him.

The man hunched forward, elbows on his knees, palms pressed to his eyes as if they were an additional shield against his nightmares and thoughts. His body trembled and he could barely keep himself together as flashes of memory swept through him.

_It does not matter. It's over. He will never do it again,_ Estel kept telling himself, desperately trying to reassure his racing mind.

He breathed deeply, slightly more calm, but he still did not move.

Hours later, a voice broke through the silence.

His head shot up, fear etched into his eyes. His name had been said in deep concern. He had reacted before he even had a chance to think about who had called him.

The golden haired elf jumped back slightly, surprised at his friend's reaction. He knew not to approach him again so, instead, he softly asked, "Mellon-nin, what's wrong?"

He had seen the forlorn way the young man had been bent over, lost in thought.

Estel swallowed thickly, forcing himself to relax. This elf would never harm him. He had nothing to fear when he was around him.

"I was just deep in thought and you startled me," he said, and it was mostly true. Legolas couldn't know what had happened, no one could.

Legolas frowned at Estel, unsure if he should really believe him. He did believe he was deep in thoguht, but that nothing was wrong? It would take a lot of convincing for him to buy that with his recent behavior. The man still tried to act normal, but it was obvious that it was strained.

"Estel..." Legolas trailed in exasperation. He wished his friend would open up to him again. He hadn't been so secretive since they had first met. Now he had no idea what to do. He did, however, know that he couldn't push too hard.

"Nothing. Really," Estel added, giving Legolas a smile he hoped would assure the archer.

Legolas inwardly frowned but let it go, knowing it would only make matters worse.

Both said nothing as an awkward silence fell between them. Estel refused to look at Legolas, ashamed and guilty for not being able to tell his friend. He knew Legolas meant well, and he appreciated the concern, but it really did not help. He was trying so hard to keep himself under control. He didn't need to talk about it.

Legolas saw the fallen look that fell across Estel's face. Wishing he could help his friend, he gently placed a hand on the man's shoulder, hoping to lend comfort.

Estel flinched at the unexpected touch, but stood firm and forced himself to be still.

Despite his best efforts, it was far too obvious that Estel had a thin hold on his actions. Legolas felt the man's body stiffen under his touch.

He pulled his hand back, closely watching the man, the remaining darkness making it hard to see much. The way his body freezed up was from fear... What did Estel have to fear?

He inwardly sighed, seeing Estel's downcast gaze. Then, he decided he should just ask the question he had been curious about the entire time. "What are you doing here so late?"

Estel's mind scrambled for an answer that wouldn't seem suspicious. He quickly--but calmly--replied, "I could not sleep."

Partial truth was always more convincing than a flat-out lie.

Legolas couldn't say much against that, for he knew Estel did go to the garden on occasion to ease his mind. However, he had been doing so much more often recently.

The prince sighed and resisted the urge to hold the young man. Such gestures were no longer welcome to him, even though he tried to act like nothing was wrong with them. Legolas had known him nearly as long as he had been accepted as Elrond's adopted son and he could read him better than anyone else.

Instead of speaking of his disbelief, however, he sat down on the bench with Estel.

Estel's heart clenched at the defeated sigh, and he felt even worse.

After minutes of silence passed, he was extremely relieved that Legolas had decided to let the subject go.

The sun was now rising, golden rays splashing through the leaves, gleaming in the fountain, the sunlight reflecting on the ground.

Still, neither Legolas nor Estel moved or spoke. They sat there, thoughts running through their minds. Estel wasn't sure if his mind was more at peace or more cluttered now.

Their silence wasn't exactly uncomfortable, it was just... The air was stifling. Estel wanted away from there but, at the same time, he felt safe in Legolas' presence.

Another half hour passed and Legolas stood. "Walk with me," the younger elf said softly as if the words would disturb the early hour. He extended his hand for Estel to take.

The dark-haired man looked at Legolas; then down at his hand, considering. Eventually, he took it and stood in front of his friend.

Legolas smiled and they walked.

The elf thought this would be better for Estel than sitting there, stuck within his thoughts. This way he hoped the man would think about his surroundings: the green of the leaves, the wind and the birds, and his company.

There was a reason many people went there--for the comfort and relaxation the area offered. Both he and Estel often did the same.

Estel appreciated the effort on his friend's part and weakly smiled at him. It was all he could manage.

Words were no longer needed between the two as they walked side-by-side, and Estel had to admit that walking was a lot better than sitting. He had been sitting there for hours. He hadn't been able to get up the courage to move, to escape his nightmare, no matter how much he had wished it.

Inwardly he shook his head, ridding his mind of useless and hurtful thoughts. He took in everything, especially Legolas' comforting presence and was finally able to let it go.

And they walked.

They walked until the sun rose high in the sky and it was time for the morning meal, a place where Estel was surrounded by his family and the people he cared about more than anything.

And _he_ wouldn't be there.

"Estel?" Legolas suddenly questioned in deep concern. A shadow of fear had passed across the man's face. It had sent a chill down the elf's spine. He didn't know where Estel's thoughts had abruptly led him, but he knew for certain that he didn't want them to continue down that path.

Estel snapped his head up to look at Legolas, eyes wide as the voice had startled him. He was grateful for the disruption. However, he was irritated at himself for his inability to stop his thoughts from drifting.

The man lowered his head. "Forgive me," he muttered, unable to look Legolas in the eye.

"Worry not," the archer reassured, for he was just relieved that he had been able to pull his friend out of whatever distressing thoughts he had been having.

When they finally reached their destination, the prince opened the door for Estel.

The man smiled in return and entered, Legolas close behind.

They were early, even though they had gone back to change for the day, and only the head of Imladris, Elrond, was there.

The dark-haired elf looked up at the two and greeted them cheerfully. The frown at seeing his son so disheleved and wearied was buried behind his smile.

The two friends returned the greeting and took their seats, waiting for the twins, Elladan and Elrohir to show. The morning meal was often small and that was the way they liked it; Estel especially did now.

"Sleep well?" the elder elf asked the two, though it was obvious from one glance.

Nevertheless, Estel still nodded like he had and asked the question in turn. The man had to wonder why it felt like there was an invisible barrier between them that kept them at a distance.

Their conversation was limited, almost stiffly spoken as they waited.

When the twins arrived Estel couldn't help but feel relieved. He kept berating himself for his strange behavior. It was all in his imagination.

"Good morn," Legolas and Elrond acknowledged the twins entrance. Estel's own was followed, though less enthusiastically, despite his effort.

The two sat down and they soon began to eat.

Legolas, Elrond and the twins all conversed, but whenever Estel wanted to add something or, when he did, he felt foolish.

The distance was driving him mad.

How had it become so great; so suddenly?

Estel turned to look at the four surrounding him. Elladan and Elrohir were laughing at some joke they had pulled on their latest victim. Elrond and Legolas gently spoke, smiling.

Why was it so hot in there? Why did it feel so suffocating?

He had never felt so much tension.

And he wanted it all to stop.

He tried to keep himself composed, tried to keep eating, tried to ignore the other four.

He tried.

Impossible.

He gripped his dark, mussed hair, trying to calm down.

His grip tightened.


	2. Lead Me

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR, or any characters.

**Warnings**: NON-CON! Don't like? Don't read.

Here we go: Chapter two. I feel like I am starting this site all over again. It's good and bad. I really hope I don't disppiont you all. I'm going to update this fic probably about every two weeks or so. I just can't catch up to what I already have written. xDD I should be good, but ya never know, especially with the grip this Writer's Block has on me. I have to completely break free! xD

Enjoy!

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**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Two: Lead Me**

It was all in his head.

Legolas turned his eyes to rest on Estel, seeing the man tense. He looked strained, torn. His eyes squeezed shut, knuckles white with the hold he had on his fork, the other hand gripping his hair.

Elrond followed Legolas' attention to his youngest and observed. He had to admit: he was alarmed by his behavior.

Legolas placed a hand over one of Estel's.

The man jumped, immediately snapping out of his thoughts. His fork fell from his grasp and clanked loudly on the plate.

Elladan and Elrohir halted in their conversation, eyes on their brother.

Estel looked at the others, their stares of shock and concern. He couldn't take it.

Abruptly, he pushed the chair back and stood, practically running out of the room.

The four just stared after the man, frozen with shock.

Legolas was the first to stand and quickly followed after his best friend, beyond concerned now.

It took him several minutes to find the young man. When he caught up, he placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Don't touch me!" Estel shouted. Spinning around, he lashed out.

The two stared at each other, Estel breathing heavily.

"What happened to you?" Legolas asked softly, watching the man.

Estel shifted uncomfortably, but said nothing. He stood there, shaking slightly.

No words were said, the silence grew even more unbearable for the torn human.

Therefore, Estel turned and walked away. He had nothing to say.

Legolas opened his mouth. Then closed it. Nothing he said would make the slightest difference. He did, however, follow the man. He didn't want to leave him alone with his state of mind.

Estel had other plans, however, and wanted to be alone so he went to his bedchambers and stopped at the door. He told the prince he was tired and wished to sleep, and then he closed the door behind him.

Legolas sighed deeply. There was nothing he could do until Estel let him in. He wanted to talk to him but it took two to have a conversation.

"Please do not shut me out, mellon-nin," the elf said sadly to the door. He slowly turned around and left.

He really hoped Estel would open up to him again, and soon by the look of it.

Estel faintly heard Legolas' words, and they crushed him. He knew his friend meant well. He knew it.

The man collapsed on his bed, sighing heavily.

He turned to his side, curling up and burying his head in his arms.

.........

Legolas went back to Elrond and the twins, hoping that they hadn't moved.

They hadn't. When he got there, he found the three sitting solemnly at the table, the air thick with anticipation.

Each looked at him expectantly for an answer.

However, with one look, they could tell he had none.

"He will not talk to me," the archer said sadly.

They were silent, all thinking about the young man. They didn't know how to help him and it hurt to see how much the man was suffering. They needed to know why he suffered. What had happened to change his behavior so drastically?

No one touched their food, their hunger dispersed by their worry for Estel.

They went their separate ways afterwards, each attending to their own duties and Legolas to the library to do some thinking. The four were distracted by Estel.

When the evening meal finally came around they were all surprised--and very pleased--that Estel showed up.

He looked... normal?

Compared to earlier, this was a lot more disturbing. He was still pale, but he acted normally. Really, there was no other way of putting it. It was almost eerie after the morning meal.

No one said anything, however, and carried on as if nothing had happened.

They ate and talked, but it was almost hesitant or forced. It wasn't their usual banter or playfulness.

All pretended everything was normal, or tried to.

And, for the most part, everything went well. They got through the meal with no breakdowns, no awkward stares, and no arguments.

It was especially hard on Legolas. He wanted to do nothing more than question Estel. He had to know--everyone did, whether the young man knew it or not.

Legolas was the first to leave. He didn't know how much longer he could keep acting. He had said very little as it was and he didn't wish to upset Estel if he was calm. He did not wish to see his friend in so much pain again and be helpless to stop it. It was a wound that he couldn't see or touch, or heal.

However, if he had turned back to look at his friend when he had left the table, he would have sat right back down, for he would have seen the hurt that shone in the stormy eyes.

.........

The next week passed uneventfully. Estel hadn't suffered anymore breakdowns, but he avoided everyone as much as possible, even passing others in the halls.

Legolas wanted to let it go, for Estel's sake, but he also couldn't let it go, for Estel's sake... He knew not to push so he hadn't inquired further. Not yet.

One day, Legolas decided that Estel needed to get out of the house. While he had stopped pestering, Elladan and Elrohir hadn't, being concerned for their younger brother.

Unfortunately--or fortunately for Estel--the twins were otherwise preoccupied; unable to get out of their duties to go on the trip Legolas had invited Estel on. He had gotten permission from Elrond first and the elder elf had agreed, hoping it would help heal whatever troubled his son. It was a short travel outside of the house where the man would be able to breathe.

Legolas hadn't even been sure if Estel would want to come along since he had been avoiding everyone the past few days. To know the man had accepted his invitation was a step in the right direction, they wanted to think.

The two friends planned on leaving after the morning meal, Elrohir and Elladan still pleading all the while for their father to let them go along.

However, not only did Elrond need the two, but he thought it would be better for his youngest to have less company.

Needless to say, the twin's pleads were each shot down and, once Estel and Legolas were ready to go, they set off, leaving two very disappointed elves behind.

Legolas smiled crookedly at the small smile that crept on to Estel's lips at the sight of his brothers' expressions.

That small smile only reminded Legolas of how little he had seen. Remembering when it had disappeared could help him figure out what had happened, but he couldn't, no matter how hard to he tried.

They had been riding for hours and neither had spoken. It was as if it would break the comfortable atmosphere around them.

Legoals let Estel lead them along, going wherever he wished, though it was more Estel's stallion than Estel, for the man hardly paid attention. Estel had to admit that it was relieving to be out. He hadn't realized how much he had needed this.

"Hannon le, mellon-nin," Estel suddenly spoke softly, startling the young elf from his thoughts.

The archer blinked, at a loss. "Whatever for?"

The grey-eyed man merely smiled gently and turned back to look in front of him, leaving Legolas extremely puzzled.

Estel's behavior was incredibly surprising to Legolas, but he no longer had any second thoughts about the trip, for the man soon started to jest and play around like before. They had even raced each other through the trees.

He hadn't seen Estel so carefree in weeks.

However, they still had to settle down for the night, the dangers weren't worth the risk. The prince didn't know how well Estel would fare in a fight since he had been so distracted lately. Either way, he did not wish to find out; neither did he wish to fight.

The two sat around the fire, eating the dinner Estel had caught and Legolas had prepared. For some reason unknown to Legolas, the man had insisted he hunt for the food, and he had let him. If it was something he needed to do, Legolas certainly wouldn't get in his way. He would do whatever he could to help.

Estel and Legolas were quiet. This time it felt awkward to the blonde elf. He had no idea what to say to his friend. He wanted nothing more than to bring up Estel's recent demeanor, but he resisted the urge. He knew it would only push Estel further out of reach and he wanted the man closer.

"Would you like to go to the lake tomorrow for a swim?" the archer suggested. He never thought he would regret that simple question.

However, Estel's head snapped up, his eyes briefly showing what looked like fear before he pulled it back and controlled himself. He didn't want anyone to see him.

His eyes became somewhat softer, almost blank as he kept the eye-contact, thinking that it would help cover his reaction.

Estel put on a smile; the chuckle that followed sent chills up Legolas' spine at the hollow sound. "It's too cold out for that, mellon-nin," he said with a light tone.

The archer wanted to believe this front Estel was trying to put up but his smile, his eyes, his laugh...

Briefly, Legolas closed his eyes and then opened them, only to find the same facade present on his best friend. His heart clenched. What had happened, he found himself wondering again. Why did he fear swimming?

"Estel..." the elf trailed off, unable to think of anything with that false smile, far too fake.

It hurt.

"Hm?" the man inquired innocently.

Legolas shook his head. "Tomorrow... You lead the way again."

It was all he could manage to say.


	3. Sinking

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR.

**Warnings**: Non-con.

Finally chapter three. Sorry 'bout the wait. It was longer than I intended, some personal issues cropped up, but hopefully they're all resolved. As much as they can be anyway. n.n

Thank you for your reviews. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as well.

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**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Three: Sinking**

The next day Estel led the way. At first, Estel had wanted to let Legolas lead them, but Legolas would hear none of it. This was for Estel, after all, and so he was forced to lead; even days after that.

Legolas was getting frustrated, though. They had been out there for days now and he still had not one clue of what had happened. All that he had found out was that Estel had developed this irrational modesty of changing or bathing around him. Legolas found this extremely odd, for they had done those things with and around each other for many years and the human had never had a problem with it.

Nightmares worse than the others plagued Estel this night. He yelled at someone to stop, _pleaded_ with them to find mercy on him. It tore Legolas deeply when he had to hear such words from his proud friend as he had been forced to listen to it before the man woke up.

Legolas' calls hadn't gotten through and he had had to wait out his nightmare, and watch as tears slowly made their way down Estel's face. He had been so torn, so desperate that his own eyes welled up with tears at the sight of Estel's.

It was terrible for Legolas. Estel had a lot of nightmares before this, but they usually weren't as bad as this. If he had something to stop the nightmares, he would have gladly given them to Estel. However, not even Estel had brought such herbs with him.

When Estel finally snapped awake Legolas' relief was so great it nearly left him lightheaded.

The man was extremely surprised--not to mention grateful--that Legolas didn't question him after awakening. He felt horrible for not telling his friend, especially at seeing tears in his eyes when he awoke.

The next day, Estel didn't say a word. Legolas felt like he had tripped and fallen, losing all progress they had made. He had started to hope that Estel was going to open up to him like before.

However, now Estel seemed jumpy and his eyes were wary. He watched the shadows like he expected someone to attack them at any given moment.

The entire day passed like this and Legolas was deeply concerned. He hadn't said anything, restraining himself, but he no longer could. They were now on their way back and he wanted good news to give to the others, he wanted Estel's health improved.

He knew this unlikely but he had to talk to the man.

"Estel," he started and felt unsure of how to continue.

Despite Estel's current behavior, Legolas was still surprised when the man started at his own name.

Legolas rode up next to his best friend. Placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, he dared, "Tell me what happened. Tell me what's going on. Please, mellon-nin."

He just couldn't stop himself anymore, seeing Estel like this for so long had tried his patience.

The young man looked away, avoiding the piercing sapphire gaze.

"Estel," Legolas said somewhat sternly, determined to get an answer out of him this time--a truthful one.

"It's nothing..." Estel replied lamely, not looking back.

"Estel," he repeated softly, almost pleadingly.

The man was silent, his eyes transfixed on the trees ahead.

Legolas was quiet but his hand remained.

That small gesture reminded Estel how much his friend wanted to help him, how persistant he was going to be, how much he worried.

However, he couldn't possibly tell Legolas what had happened. He couldn't tell anyone...

But...

He slumped in defeat, his head bowed.

"Estel?" Legolas' voice was drenched with worry

"I keep having nightmares," the dark-haired man finally said.

"Iston, mellon-nin," Legolas said softly in understanding. "But... Why? What are they about?

Estel shook his head. "I cannot remember them when I wake up," he lied.

"What about last night? You have to remember it. It's obvious with how you are acting, Estel," Legolas said in a no-nonsense tone. He couldn't believe that the man really didn't know. If he really didn't then why would he be acting like this, and for so long? It made no sense.

Estel momentarily froze. Today's... Today's had been about that... About him...

Eildir chased him through the forest, a wide grin plastered on his face, eyes dark and wild with lust.

Estel ran and ran and ran, but like all his other dreams, he got nowhere. All the running did was satisfy Eildir's sick pleasure.

When he was thrown to the ground he knew it was all over. It would happen again.

"Estel!" he heard someone shout and then someone shook his shoulders roughly.

He flinched and drew back from the touch. He was completely caught up in the nightmare from last night. He thought that the hands had come straight from his nightmare; that is was Eildir who had his shoulders.

"No! Let go!" he yelled, desperately.

"Estel! Estel, mellon-nin, it's me," Legolas tried, terrified over the situation. The young man had never acted like this and he didn't know what to do. Estel had suddenly taken on a blank expression, turning inward.

He held Estel's shoulder for a while longer, hoping the gentle touch would get through

It didn't.

And Legolas reluctantly let go, stepping back.

"Estel..." This time the name was quiet, a soft whisper said in helplessness.

However, this--and him stepping back--finally got through to the man, letting him focus on something other than the touch.

Estel moved his hands from his face, looking up at the elf before him with wide, fearful eyes. He saw that it was Legolas and he mentally berated himself for his foolish behavior. He just couldn't control it anymore!

And he was _trembling_; even Legolas could see it.

Suddenly, the man slumped on his horse, his demeanor one of defeat. His hands covered his face, ashamed and afraid to look at his friend. He was too weak.

Legolas was completely at a loss. He no longer knew if he could help his best friend.

He slowly wrapped his arms around Estel and drew him in so he would know what he was doing and so he could pull away if he was uncomfortable at any time.

Estel allowed this--much to Legolas' relief--and the elf held him gently.

He should have known that Estel was going to break if pushed.

He should have known not to pressure him.

He should have let him talk when he was ready.

He should have...

"Forgive me, Estel," Legolas repeated over and over again, and the man didn't so much as twitch.

Estel merely stayed within the warm embrace, one he felt safe in. He hadn't allowed himself to be held in too long; held in arms he knew would never betray him.

He relaxed in the hold, letting his arms drop but keeping his eyes closed.

Estel knew he should tell Legolas what had happened, he owed it to him. They would be so ashamed of him, though, and they wouldn't want to be around him anymore, they wouldn't _love_ him anymore. They would think him weak.

Instead, he said nothing.

Neither spoke, for neither knew what to say, neither wanted to break the silence--the silence that held them together.

Legolas was afraid that, if he spoke, Estel would suffer further, that he would pull away.

Estel felt safe in the caring embrace and Legolas felt relieved at being able to hold the man.

Neither wanted to let go.

However, they did have a time limit that they were reaching as the minutes passed. They had to break apart, they had to return to Elrond and the twins, to the noise and the shouts and the crowded halls and to...

Estel swallowed thickly and stopped his thoughts.

"Estel?" Legolas asked in a whisper, finally breaking their long-lived silence.

Without realizing it, the man had clenched his hands in Legolas' tunic.

The archer's voice threw the man back into reality and he let go of the elf, pushing himself back. He looked at Legolas for a moment and then took in a deep breath, shakily letting it out.

Legolas watched Estel intently for a sign of what was next.

Inwardly, the blonde sighed. He had known it had to end at some point; that Estel had to let go. He desperately hoped he hadn't lost Estel.

Legolas leaned all the way back, dejected. He thought that maybe, just maybe, Etsel would have told him what was wrong. He seemed devestated; at the brink of despair, where he needed to get it off his chest. He still felt that that was exactly what Estel needed--and not because he wanted to know. The man was holding too much in. Keeping it all inside would surely tear him apart.

There was no chance now.

He held in his frustrations and they continued their journey back. Not once did Estel even glance in his direction.

They kept their pace slow at least, for Legolas wasn't the only one who didn't want to go back. They would still be back sometime the next day; probably in the evening, especially if they could help it.

The evening passed much the same but now Estel rode behind Legolas and Legolas didn't fight it, knowing that, at this point, the man wouldn't listen.

After they had settled down and gone to sleep, Estel had one of his worst nightmares. It was worse than the previous night.

He awoke in a cold sweat, his voice caught in his throat.

His wide, terrified eyes desperately looked left and right for his tormentor. He didn't even breathe a sigh of relief when he saw no sight of him. The dream still had a tight grip on him.

The young man stood up, needing to get away from there. He needed to get his mind off things he'd rather not remember.

Therefore, he kept walking. He was surprised Legolas hadn't stopped him. He hadn't even seen the elf. This was only a brief thought, however.

Estel had no idea how long or how far he had walked but he suddenly stopped when he came to a small lake. The moon was full and its glow gleamed on the water's dark surface, almost mesmerizing.

He walked up to the edge of the water and kneeled.

Slowly, he reached a hand out and touched the cold water lightly as if comforting a close friend.

Everything about this place was calm, soothing.

He stood.

_It would be so simple, so easy,_ he thought as he stared at the tantalizing water, daring him.

One food stepped forward. The other slowly followed.

Another step.

His foot went under water.

"Estel!" a voice shouted louder than the deep-rooted fears that screamed at him.

Snapping out of his trance, the man whipped his head around. He paled when he saw Legolas running towards him.

Glancing back at the lake, Estel couldn't believe how truly weak he was.

"Estel!" the elf yelled desperately. He pushed his legs harder.

He knew whatever had happened was terrible, but he hadn't thought it was _this_ bad.

Legolas ran into the man, knocking him to the ground, the water splashing around them before settling.

"What were you thinking?!" Legolas cried, sorrowful eyes looking into Estel's blank ones.

He choked at the sight.

The man said nothing in return and continued to stare through him.

Tears welled up in Legolas' eyes and fell down his cheeks onto Estel.

Estel felt the wetness and he blinked when his mind fully comprehended what it was.

His eyes finally focused on his friend, seeing his tears.

He turned his head, not even bothering to get free.

"Forgive me," he whispered, his voice tight in his throat.

"I was terrified, Estel," the archer said softly.

Legolas was exhausted, and had gone in search of herbs to help calm Estel. He was tired of being useless to his friend. He hadn't gone far and had thought that he would have been able to hear Estel, whether he had a nightmare or moved. However, when he had gotten back to find Estel nowhere in sight he hadn't known what to do or even what to think. He had immediately started looking around for him.

When he had finally come across Estel and found him walking right into the lake... He couldn't describe the feeling that had stopped his heart cold.

"Forgive me," Estel muttered again, eyes still far away.

Legolas pulled his best friend up and dragged him out of the water. Once on dry land, he pulled Estel into a tight hug, relief at having found the man--and in time--finally washing through him.

"Never do that again!" he commanded, he voice choked. He had thought the young man would never resort to such a thing. He would have to keep a lot closer eye on him. He never should have left him.

Estel said nothing more. He felt a hollowness that hadn't quite been there before and merely stayed within the embrace, his arms hanging loosely around the elf.

When Legolas finally pulled away from Estel, the sun was just beginning to rise. They headed back towards their camp, Legolas kept a close eye on Estel all the while. There was an unspoken agreement between them that they would stay there longer; even if that meant they would be late.

Legolas said caring words every now and then to Estel, or just random sentences, hoping to quell any doubtful thoughts the man might be having. However, he said nothing in return.

The blonde was dejected by Estel's behavior, especially since he still refused to even look at him.

With a sigh of defeat and after hours of unbearable silence, Legolas softly asked, "Are you ready, mellon-nin?" And if Estel were to say no, they would not leave, wouldn't even move if he did not wish to.

Since Estel felt like he had no actual say in the matter, he gave a nod.


	4. At a Loss

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR.

Here's chapter four. Sorry that this story is moving so slowly, but it will speed up. I promise. Ya can't blame me too much with this subject, right? n.n

Hope you all enjoy. Let me know what ya think. n.n

* * *

**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Four: At a Loss**

It was very hard for Legolas and Estel to leave, to build up the motivation to get on their horses and head for home again.

Legolas felt a heavy weight on his shoulders at what could have happened to his best friend and blamed himself for it. If only he had kept a closer eye on him.

They had lapsed into silence, too deep in thought to even consider conversation.

Estel's thoughts were pulling him under, burying him in his negative emotions.

Legolas had looked over at the man and noticed this, for his dejected feelings were right on the surface.

The archer had tried to distract him; tried to pull him out of his thoughts, back to the present, but it was all in vain.

All of the progress he had made over the past few days had been blown away by a fierce wind that would toy with it and never send it back his way.

The last few hours of their trip went much the same as Legolas couldn't get through to Estel. Perhaps Elrond could give Estel something for his nightmares when they got back, for that would help the sleep-depraved man.

They arrived late, well into the evening; if they had been any later they would have had to set up camp again. However, Elrond and the twins were still there to greet them.

"It is good to see you two," the elf-lord said gently, observing them closely. It didn't look like things went well, unfortunately. Estel looked even more pale and haggard. There was much he would have to discuss with Legolas.

Legolas nodded in agreement. Honestly, though, he didn't think that it was good that they were back. Estel seemed to make most improvement outdoors and away from others. However, he felt things were too out of control and that he could no longer help his friend. He did need to talk to Elrond about the lake...

He inwardly shuddered at the image of the forlorn Estel and he knew he would never be able to erase that from his memory.

Estel gave a small smile meant to dispell the worry he could see his father's eyes, even in the twin's.

However, the smile only spoke of the lie since it didn't reach his eyes.

Elrond smiled back, hidding his frown, and then turned to look at Legolas for answers. The usual bright sapphire eyes were dark with sorrow. He wondered what had happened between them to cause such discontention. Even while his youngest seemed distanced from him and the twins, he always had a connection with the wood-elf, but now...

He didn't know what to think.

Elrohir and Elladan watched their brother closely. Unsure of what to say or do, they stood there quietly, their thoughts running a mile a minute.

He looked... lost.

"Food is prepared for you two," Elrond offered, not knowing what else to say. Now was obviously not the time to talk about the trip. He would have to talk to the archer by himself, and soon.

Legolas glanced at Estel.

And then they nodded. They hadn't had the chance for even thinking about eating since the lake. Neither were really hungry, but they would eat for Elrond. He was blatantly worried and Estel felt guilty and wished to please him, hoping to ease his mind.

Elrond smiled. He almost pulled his youngest into a hug but something told him he shouldn't. He kept the smile in place and went as though everything was normal.

The quick meal was... well, just that: quick.

Legolas and Estel ate while the others nibbled on something because they knew how uncomfortable the other two would feel if they were the only ones eating.

Estel excused himself early, barely touching his plate. No one liked that fact, but they couldn't force him to eat either, or rather, they wouldn't. He had left for a bath and none could blame him for that, especially not Legolas who knew he wasn't going to sleep that night until he had one himself.

The four remaining elves made small talk for a while, trying to build up to whatever had happened. It wasn't that they wanted to avoid it. It was just that they feared what Legoals might have to say.

They weren't disappointed.

Legolas had started off telling them of his initial improvements, how Estel had been getting better, but of how he also refused to jump in a lake or take his shirt off around him. Then he told them of Estel's nightmares and how they gradually got worse until he found him missing and at the lake's edge, slowly walking in to the cool water.

"He... He almost..." Elrond couldn't even finish the thought, for he was so striken, so torn. He couldn't believe his youngest would attempt such a thing. He didn't know he was so desperate as that...

Legolas sadly nodded, eyes closed. He understood the elf-lord's reaction perfectly.

"Should he really be alone?" Elladan asked slowly, distraught over the news. He didn't know what to do, what they could do to help. He had never dealt with this before and he wished he didn't have to.

"I do not think he shall try it again so soon. I know he felt it to be a weakness," the prince tried to reason, and he believed it, especially with Estel's look of guilt afterwards. He didn't think the man would _ever_ try again, but he had never thought he would ever even try.

Silence fell between them, thick and uncomfortable.

They were devestated to hear what Estel had attempted and were at a loss as to what to do next. When the two had arrived, none of them had been prepared for this.

Elrond could tell that Legolas was exhausted and understandably so. Therefore, he suggested the archer should call it a night.

Legolas couldn't argue against this, for it was obvious he needed rest and he knew it. His emotional state was very unstable at the moment.

He excused himself and went to bathe.

............

Legolas lay awake in bed hours later, his mind racing with thoughts and concerns over Estel. He wanted to check up on him but thought that Estel would get upset and might start feeling as though he was untrustworthy.

Honestly, he didn't know what to think.

He never thought he would have to worry about this. He felt Estel was extremely fragile and he had never been anything close to that. Just one look into the stormy eyes and he could see the desperate look, the look that said he was close to the edge and even closer to jumping.

He was so confused.

He had no idea what to think.

Throwing the covers off, he sat on the edge of his bed. He knew one thing for sure: he would get no sleep this night if he didn't peek in on his friend.

He ran his fingers through his unbraided hair in frustration.

Letting out a heavy sigh, he quickly stood, decision made.

Going across the hall and opening Estel's door, he looked in.

The man faced away from him but his body looked tense.

He watched sadly, knowing Estel was awake.

Legolas wrenched himself away and back to his chambers. He just didn't know what to do, for he knew the man didn't want a comforting hand, didn't want the soothing words, didn't want hopeful promises.

"What do you see in us now?" the archer whispered as he lay on his bed. Did Estel think they were thieves, trying to steal his memories, to break into his heart?

He closed his eyes with another heavy sigh.

At least Estel was well.

...As well as he could be.

............

Estel listened as the door shut behind who he assumed to be Legolas.

He felt slightly bad for ignoring his best friend but he couldn't confront him, didn't know how to and didn't know what to say. There was nothing he was willing to say. And if Legolas talked about the lake...

No. He couldn't do that.

He had yet to go to sleep. He was afraid of doing so for the nightmares that would follow with the face of the one he least wanted to see. He had never been so terrified of sleeping, not even when he was young.

The only reason why he was still laying in bed was because he knew that Legolas or his father would check on him and he didn't wish to explain himself or even engage in conversation at the moment, no matter how casual.

He let out a deep breath and stared at the wall.

However, Estel was exhausted, and before he could help it, his eyes closed and he fell into a deep sleep.

.............

There was nowhere for him to go. He pushed himself against the wall behind him, nails digging into the wood, knuckles turning white. His heart was in his throat as he tried to breathe.

The piercing dark eyes glared into his soul, stripping him naked.

Panic gripped him tighter.

Vulnerable.

He felt vulnerable again. He wouldn't win this time.

He swallowed thickly and lunged at his attacker.

Suddenly, arms were around him. His stormy eyes flew open and worried blue ones watched him intently.

They were inches apart.

"Legolas," he breathed. His arms wrapped around the elf as he burried his head in his shoulder.

The archer was shocked but held him tighter. "All is well, mellon-nin. I'm here," he said gently, reassuringly.

Legolas closed his eyes, eyebrows furrowed in pain.

The pain was not for himself but for Estel.

It hurt to see his friend so tormented.

It hurt how Estel dug his fingers into his tunic for support.

It hurt how quick and erractic Estel breathed to stop the tears.

It hurt.

And he couldn't do a thing.


	5. Broken Again

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR.

**Warnings**: NON-CON! Hit Back if you do not want to read! Fair warning.

.::sighs::. And here's chapter five, though it is a shorter chapter... I couldn't help it. Well, officially, this story is going to be nine chapters long. I actually am somewhat satisfied with this chapter amazingly enough. I feel like the story is moving with this one. Either way please let me know what ya think. I really love to hear what you guys have to say. It's my inspiration. n.n

* * *

**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Five: Broken Again**

Legolas leaned his head against the window, his eyes staring through the glass at nothing beyond it. His eyes were glazed over, his thoughts inward, his mind stuck with the image of his broken friend.

He had to do something, and soon. Estel wasn't the only one pushing his limits. The human was too clsoe to the edge, too close to falling forever. There had to be something he could do. Something beyond seemingly empty words, though encouraging and assuring they were meant to be. He had tried the words; tried everything he could think of.

...But he didn't know what exactly was bothering Estel, and _that_ was the main problem.

He had held the man until he had passed out from his exhaustion. He had been asleep for hours now, and they were grateful. Lack of sleep had him even more jumpy and emotional.

Legolas had refused to leave the man's chambers, even when Elrond had come to get him for food and then later to try to convince him to get some rest.

After witnessing Estel's full despair, however, he couldn't bring himself to move away any further than to the window by the bed.

He let out a shaky sigh and looked up, blinking rapidly, stopping the tears that threatened to fall.

Slowly, he brought his eyes back to the window, his gaze becoming unfocused once again.

Hours later, he heard a groan from the bed.

He closed his eyes with pain.

_Please no. Not again. He does not deserve this,_ the elf thought, fearing another nightmare.

"Legolas?" the voice asked confused.

The blue eyes snapped open in astonishment. He immediately turned back and kneeled beside Estel. He was still careful not to startle to young man.

"How are you feeling, mellon-nin?" he questioned as he tried to contain his excitement. He didn't know what direction this would conversation would go, after all. Recently, with Estel, things would be going well one minute; then would crash unexpectedly the next.

"Fine," the man answered, avoiding Legolas' eyes. He didn't want to get into it, afraid that his friend would start questioning him.

The elf said nothing in return but kept his worry-filled eyes on Estel, hoping that he might let his guard down and tell him. He knew it wouldn't happen.

The human felt the eyes on him but refused to meet or even acknowledge them.

Legolas inwardly sighed in disappointment. He had expected this behavior, however.

"Estel, please tell me what happened. I wish to help but know not how," Legolas pleaded with the man, his voice a broken whisper.

"...You do not understand. I just... I cannot," Estel finally replied after minutes of thick silence. He had thought about it. He actually had, but the result was the same: he couldn't do it.

Silence resumed. Estel looked down at his hands and Legolas still watched him.

"I know this is hurting you..." Legolas said slowly, carefully. He didn't know what to do, only that he needed to find some way for the human to talk to him. He needed to understand.

Estel made no reply. His eyes didn't stray.

"Estel, please. You need to talk about it," he continued to pry.

Abruptly, Estel stood, his fists clenched. "I _need_ to do nothing. I am fine, Legolas. I do not need to talk. I do not need help. I do _not_ need you!" he exploded. Breating heavily, he stood there, eyes cold, angry, fully focused on Legolas.

All Legolas could do was sit there in shock. He stared up at his friend, and he no longer knew what to do.

He cleared his throat and stood. "Forgive me, Estel. I just... I do not want to see you in pain anymore. Or to see you so sad. I only... I only meant to help. Forgive me," he repeated as he stumbled over his words.

He kept eyes contact for another minute, hoping the man would say soemthing else.

He didn't.

He broke the stare and stepped out of the chambers without another sound. Estel didn't have to say it, for his eyes had spoken, and they told him to get out. He no longer wanted him around.

Estel watched Legolas leave and then he sat down on the bed when the door closed behind him.

Hearing Legolas' words struck him hard, but he couldn't have the elf around him at the moment.

This was getting him nowhere and he didn't know what to do about it. He hadn't meant to say any of that but he had panicked. He really wasn't ready to tell anyone but he had gotten so close to telling Legolas that it had frightened him.

His friend was right: he did need to talk. It was tearing him apart.

However, he couldn't exactly say he felt bad for yelling at his friend.

He felt... numb.

He dug his palms into his eyes.

He fell back onto his bed and stayed in that position until exhaustion pulled him under, relieving his mind of unwanted thoughts.

He fell into an uneasy sleep.

His dream turned darker, the shadows stretched longer, thinner, towards him.

The breath stilled in his chest, his fingers clenching, unconsciously seeking a weapon of any kind.

This darkness felt unreal; yet familiar at the same time.

His heart pounded.

The presence surrounded him.

Confused, he back away, hoping to avoid this evil that haunted him.

He knew it was behind him as well, however. He didn't have to look to know that.

He could feel it.

He could feel the darkness getting closer.

His eyes snapped open, his breath coming in quiet gasps. He didn't bother to try and control it but searched his chambers for the feeling that had premeated his dreams.

An unnatural fear seized his mind as recent memories flashed before his eyes.

He wanted to shout for help, for Legolas but, before he could even finish that thought, a hand covered his mouth.

He couldn't breathe.

He closed his eyes tightly. He didn't want to see.

"Thought you would never see me again, hm?" a familiar voice said with a purr.

Terrified his body completely froze as his mind screamed at him to escape.

"Giving up so soon?" the elf breathed into Estel's ear, nibbling lightly before licking it.

Estel shuddered, a chill ran down his spine chased by despair.

He swallowed thickly, frantically trying to think of some way to alert Legolas of this intruder as he looked around the room. At the same time, however, he also feared for Legolas' safety against this monster.

Estel rapidly blinked his eyes, tears of frustration and helplessness building up. He refused to let them fall.

Eildir chuckled. "Cry for me," he cooed, his hand gently brushed the side of Estel's face in mock comfort.

He squeezed his eyes shut again as if he could block out sound as well.

What he wouldn't give to retreat back into his dreams, into the numbness that had gripped him so tightly before. He had thought he couldn't be broken again.

A deep chuckle made Estel jump and his eyes snap open. "You cannot hide from me, my Estel."

"You said you would never return. That you would never... do it again," Estel said, his voice quavering with terror. He had believed it when Eildir had told him this, against his instincts. He had believed it and hadn't turned him in, hadn't told anyone. It hadn't been only out of shame that he had said nothing.

"You said that I would never see you again," he finished in a whipser.

"Aye, and I had intended to keep my word," Eildir responded, his voice calm and controlled. "I just could not forget the feel of your soft skin, of having you beneath me, or the sound of your voice."

The grin in the elf's voice did not go unnoticed and fear constricted Estel.

"I really did try, mellon-nin, but I could not resist," the elf whispered breathlessly. "I do not ask forgiveness this time."

Estel's grey eyes widened in panic.

Suddenly, lips covered his, cutting off any shout for help.

"Company is unwanted," Eildir breathed, lips still touching.

Estel could do nothing.

He had thought it couldn't get any worse until now, until his friend forced him down again.


	6. Realizations

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR, or any of the characters... Sad.

**Warnings**: NON-CON! Turn back now if you do not like! Oh yes, turn back.

Here's chapter six; sooner than usual! I wanted to make sure all of this story is posted before the end of this year so a couple updates will be quicker. n.n .::sighs::. I hope you are all still enjoying this fic. I picked it up another notch. Don't forget to let me know what you think please and thank you. n.n;;

Oh, and I hope that all who celebrate had a Happy Thanksgiving. To those who don't: Happy Holidays. n.n It's almost already 2010! Ah geez...

Enjoy!

* * *

**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Six: Realizations**

He couldn't let this happen again.

Panic and fear pushed at him, forcing him into action, and he kicked at Eildir, causing the startled elf to stumble back.

Estel shot to his feet, but could go nowhere, for Eildir was already in the way of the door.

He turned around and sprinted towards the balcony. He could use the tree to get to the ground, climb down it like he had done so many times before when he was younger...

He was thrown off balance as a force pushed him to the bed, face smashed against the covers.

He gasped for breath.

"No!" he tried to yell, but the sound was muffled.

"Aye," Eildir hissed, a wicked smile accompanying. "I knew not that you were so eager, running to the bed for me," the elf continued mockingly, nibbling at Estel's ear.

The man shuddered, trying to ignore the feeling, trying to place himself somewhere else.

Helpless. Again. There was nothing he could do.

He stopped struggling.

"There you go. Just enjoy it."

A hand let go of Estel's, but the other remained, reminding him he was still held captive.

The free hand slowly made its way down Estel's neck, brushing against the skin as it continued down his back until it stopped just above his waist.

The hand slipped between the bed and Estel's stomach; then Eildir moved so quickly that Estel didn't even know he was being flipped over until he faced the sick elf.

"There now..." Eildir whispered. Leaning in close, he placed a gentle kiss to Estel's lips, trailing down his neck.

One hand still pinned the man's hands above him, while the other continued its journey anew. It slid beneath Estel's tunic and shirt to bare skin as he dragged his nails across him.

Estel's breathing was rapid and shallow, his eyes shut tightly, wishing all of it away. He swallowed thickly, feeling nauseous.

Eildir kissed him again, but this time it was violent, urgent and filled with lust.

Undoing his own leggings, the hand moved to Estel's.

"I could not resist, my Estel," Eildir said, his voice husky.

Estel whimpered. "Eildir, please stop," he begged.

"Oh," Eildir moaned, "I could not do that."

Eildir unlaced the last of his leggings.

Hot breath brushed across Estel's neck.

He shuddered.

"Please," Estel pleaded again.

............

Legolas walked in the garden, giving no mind to anything around him. It had been raining since that morning, but even the drops didn't have him turning back for cover. His thoughts were on nothing but Estel and what had just happened between them.

He knew he shouldn't have pried. He had resisted for so long--the temptation had been too great. All he wished for was a way to help his friend. The way Estel had reacted was completely unexpected, however. The words that were said cut deeply.

The wood-elf sighed, keeping his slow pace around the garden.

What could he do? Night was falling and the moon already in the sky.

He stopped and looked up at fountain beside him, only a slight turn of his head. He watched for a moment as the rain poured down.

He continued to walk.

Minutes later steps joined in time with his.

They walked in silence.

"I know not what to do," Legolas finally said, despairingly. He kept his eyes ahead.

Elrond looked at the prince, judging him. Something had changed. It seemed like he had given up all hope. "What happened, penneth?" he asked quietly.

"Estel... He... I cannot help him," Legolas trailed off, closing his eyes briefly against the agony of that simple statement. It tore at him to know there was nothing he could do, and that was the truth of the matter.

"Do not give up hope," Elrond said firmly. "Why do you say this now, Legolas?"

"He does not need me, or my help."

The tone Legolas spoke with broke his heart. It spoke only of heartache and loss. He truly believed that statement with everything.

He stopped, forcing the young elf to stop as well, and turned to look at him in the eye.

"What happened?" the elf-lord repeated sternly. He wasn't going to let this go. Estel needed all the support he could get, whether he would admit it or not, and Legolas was one of his strongest pillars. Just as Elrond wouldn't give up on Estel, he couldn't let Legolas give up.

"I wanted to know what was hurting him so deeply. I need to know, and he would not tell me," Legolas explained in frustration.

Elrond waited patiently for the rest. He understood the wood-elf's feelings, for he too felt the same.

After a moment, Legolas finished, telling the elder elf the hurtful words Estel had thrown at him.

"Penneth, he is wounded; I fear deeper than we can reach. He's as frustrated as we are. You cannot give up hope. He shall be lost if we should falter," Elrond tried to console the desperate young elf. The words had been harsh and surprising but they couldn't give up. No matter what. They couldn't--not on their Estel.

Legolas stared into the elder elf's eyes.

Finally, he nodded, resolved. "Hannon le," he said gratefully.

He needed to go back to Estel.

He couldn't believe that he was going to give up so easily.

Elrond merely smiled gently.

............

Legolas made his way leisurely to Estel's chambers again. He couldn't delay talking to the man and needed to fix things between them as soon as possible--at least apologize.

Words ran through his mind the entire way there as he tried to think of what he should say. He wasn't even sure if his friend would talk to him.

Legolas quickly reached his destination.

He took a deep breath and raised his hand to knock. He had thought about just walking in since he was afraid the man wouldn't allow him his audience. However, he had decided against it and would keep to his manners.

Then, he paused his hand, confusion replacing his resolved expression.

He heard muffled noises from the other side of the door.

Estel was not alone.

Who could be with him? The man had cut off everyone, even his own family, so who could he have possibly let in...?

He froze when he thought he heard a whimper.

Legolas immediately forgot about everything else while all other concerns flitted away as he threw the door open.

He stood transfixed, rooted to the floor with wide eyes, unable to believe the sight before him.

Eildir hovered on top of Estel as he pinned him down. The man's leggings were unlaced and half-way pulled down. They hadn't even acknowledged his presence.

Rage filled the prince and he clenched his hands at his sides. Before he even realized it, he had torn Eildir off his friend, and heard a very satisfying crack as he punched his nose.

"What do you think you are doing?" Legolas shouted in outrage.

Eildir was a close friend of theirs. Often he was invited to archery or riding with them or to celebrations...

He trailed off.

Eildir and Estel had wandered off alone on Elrohir and Elladan's birthday. They had been expected to return but never had.

It all made sense.

Eildir still said nothing. He held his bleeding nose and quickly stood, trying to run.

The prince was furious.

Eildir had been the cause of Estel's pain; all of his sorrow, all of his frustration.

Legolas stalked over to the sick elf and grabbed him by the tunic, punching him again.

He would not get away.

Legolas pulled his fist back again...

"Legolas... Don't," a small voice choked out.

The archer couldn't ignore his friend and stopped.

Still, he never took his eyes off Eildir and when he saw a flash of satisfaction in those dark eyes at Estel's plea, he knocked the man out cold.

Legolas dropped the elf, disgusted. He wouldn't apologize, he deserved worse.

The blonde elf approached the young man slowly.

"Are you all right, mellon-nin?" he asked softly.

Estel had already pulled up his leggings, but he felt ashamed and wouldn't look at Legolas nor did he answer, for he didn't trust his voice.

"Forgive me, Estel," Legolas said contritely.

He never should have left!

He couldn't believe the reason for Estel's plight. It was much worse than anyone had thought. He understood why Estel had told no one now but they would have been able to put Eildir away. They could have made it so he would never have a chance again.

There was nothing more that he wanted than for Eildir to stop breathing.

"We need to get Elrond," the prince stated with self-control.

They needed to get Eildir out of there, and before he started to wake up.

Estel's head snapped up and his eyes met Legolas'. "No!" he exclaimed in fear. It was bad enough Legolas knew. He didn't want anyone else to if he could prevent it.

"Estel, something needs to be done. Eildir cannot possibly just walk away from this. This is not the first time." He didn't bother making it a question.

The man looked away again. He knew he was right.

Unfortunately, it was only obvious that Eildir hadn't been stopped the first time so Estel continued to sit there in silence.

Legolas waited.

Finally, Estel nodded in resignment. He knew he couldn't hide it forever. He had just tried desperately to.

Legolas gave his friend a small smile and then went to the door. He had a maid get Elrond and they waited in silence. Every once in a while Legolas would notice Estel's eyes quickly glance in Eildir's direction. It was as though the man was afraid that at any given moment Eildir would awaken and jump him again.

It took every ounce of restraint for Legolas to stay seated next to Estel.

"He promised he would never do it again," the man said in a whisper. "He promised."

Legolas clenched his teeth. It hurt to hear the broken tone from his friend.

He turned to Estel and froze. His anger shattered.

The man looked completely lost, confused, betrayed and ready to cry.

He needed to be there for his friend. He couldn't let his anger get the best of him, especially not right now.

"Forgive me, mellon-nin," Legolas said quietly. He didn't know what else to say. He was sorry for so many things. He was sorry he hadn't stayed with Estel on the twins birthday, sorry he had pried before, sorry he had left him alone for Eildir, sorry he had let his anger get the best of him, sorry...

The man merely shook his head. He could only blame himself for this, all of this.

"I believed him," Estel responded with a scoff. That was the main reason it was his fault, especially this time.

"Estel..." Legolas was cut off by Elrond rushing in.

"What--" the elf-lord stopped short, seeing Eildir's unconscious form on the floor, blood down the front of him.

"He... attacked Estel," Legolas explained simply, the anger clearly seen in his sapphire eyes, dark with hatred.

Elrond's eyes widened in surprise for two reasons: Legolas' sudden hate for their old friend and the fact that said friend had attacked his son.

He would get the details from them later. He had to take care of this situation first. Anyone who attacked his son--any of them, including Legolas--had to be dealt with immediately.

Getting a couple of guards, they took Eildir away and locked him in a room far from Estel.

The elf-lord soon returned to his youngest in concern. If possible, the man had seemed even more edgy than before.

"What happened, ion-nin?" he asked softly.

Estel stared at his hands in his lap. He didn't want to talk about this, especially not now. He was still shaken and wasn't sure if he could control his emotions. He didn't want his father to know...

He glanced at Legolas, who had stayed by his side. He knew he needed to tell. He also knew Elrond wouldn't leave until he told him.

He sighed deeply.

"Would you like me to leave?" Legolas offered. He didn't really want to but if it would help his friend he would do it. The man was already under enough stress.

Estel considered it a moment and then shook his head. The archer already knew. Besides, he wasn't sure if he would be able to tell his father. He didn't know if he could speak the words aloud.

He still kept his grey eyes glued to his hands. He fidgeted slightly.

"Ion-nin..." the elder elf urged gently, greatly concerned. He knew this was going to be difficult. Whatever happened must have been horrible and he was a little frightened by this behavior.

Estel sat there in silence for a couple minutes, trying to gather up the courage.

They waited patiently for him to speak.

He felt trapped.

He opened his mouth, hoping to force out the words. "Eildir..." but he could get no further. His name alone sent chills down his spine, making him feel nauseous.

Estel shook his head.

Elrond thought he wasn't going to get his answer. However, much to his surprise--and Legolas'--Estel nodded at the wood-elf.

"You want me to tell him...?" Legolas asked in disbelief. He didn't know if even he would be able to. It hurt to think about it; he couldn't imagine how it was on Estel.

Estel nodded. He knew he wouldn't be able to talk about it--he never wanted to.

Legolas nodded in return. Elrond needed to know (so did Elladan and Elrohir, but that was for a different time).

Estel took his gaze off his hands and turned to the side, looking at the wall blankly. He didn't even want to hear it and to see his father's look after he was told...


	7. Support

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR or any of the characters.

**Warnings**: Non-con.

It was going to be the seventh chapter on the seventh, but I got distracted. xDD

Anyway, there are actually only two more chapters left after this one. yay! -.- There are parts in this chapter that I just can't seem to get right. No matter how many things I edit it. .::sighs::. I don't really like this chapter very much, but I hope you'll still enjoy it. n.n I tried. I really did.

Don't forget to let me know what you think, 'kay? .::grins::.

* * *

**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Seven: Support**

Elrond gaped at Legolas in disbelief.

His youngest had been... He couldn't even finish the thought.

However, it all made sense.

He looked at Estel and saw the defeated way he carried himself. His eyes were shut tightly, trying to ignore Legolas' words. His shame all too obvious.

"Ion-nin..." the elder elf started, but was unsure of how to continue. He didn't know what could be said. He was just as furious at Eildir as Legolas was and now he understood where that anger had come from. He was slightly surprised Eildir wasn't in worse shape.

Estel clenched his jaw and opened his eyes to look at his father.

And quickly averted his gaze.

He looked at his hands.

The pain in his father's eyes was too much, and what else was there...? Anger? Shame? Pity? He knew it would be there.

"Nay, ion-nin, I could never blame you for this," Elrond finally managed to say. "I only want to help."

"I need no help," Estel almost snarled. He wanted to be left alone. The despair heard in his father's voice was unbearable. It cut deeply.

Elrond closed his eyes briefly. His son was in greater pain than he had even thought. He didn't know how long it would take to heal this hurt. He didn't even know if he could. However, he knew that he would do anything for Estel; anything to heal his heart.

Legolas watched the exchange in silence. It had been hard to tell the elf-lord what he had walked in on and what had happened to Estel before--he had nearly choked on the words and then seeing Elrond's agonized expression after had crushed him. Seeing the way Estel had looked at Elrond when he spoke had stunned him. It was almost a bitter expression.

Elrond could tell that Estel had nothing else to say and he felt like he had lost his son all over again.

He now knew the problem, but the distance between them had grown even farther.

"We shall deal with Eildir in the morn," the elf-lord said somewhat coldly. "Get rest this night. If you should need anything..."

With that said, Elrond turned and left.

Estel was extremely surprised at his father's abrupt departure. He could see that the knowledge had only hurt him and he felt terrible. He knew he shouldn't have been told.

"Estel, mellon-nin, it is not because of knowing. He feels helpless," Legolas assured, seeing the man's downcast demeanor. He knew exactly where Elrond was coming from so he hoped to clear up the doubt within Estel's mind. He wasn't sure if it had been the best idea for the elder elf to leave at the time or like he had, but he could not blame him. He knew he had a lot of thinking to do.

Without a word, Estel merely laid down, facing the wall.

Legolas inwardly sighed, for he had no idea if he was getting through to the man.

"Do you need something to sleep?" the archer offered softly. He knew Estel would get no sleep after what he had nearly suffered. His body was far too tense.

Estel took a deep breath. "Nay, Legolas," he said in slight exasperation.

At this point, he was afraid of sleeping.

"I am going to stay with you this night. Try to get some rest," Legolas said matter-of-factly. He was not moving. He hoped that Estel would feel safer with him there and possibly fall asleep.

Estel neither spoke nor moved. He was almost surprised when his body relaxed. Usually he would argue and have Legolas leave, but tonight he wouldn't even try. He needed his friend there more than ever and both of them knew it.

Soon, he closed his eyes.

Legolas appreciated the fact that Estel accepted his presence. He had half-expected him to put up a fight.

The man was obviously shaken.

Legolas smiled sadly when the tension left Estel's body.

"Forgive me, mellon-nin."

............

The next day eventually dawned and Estel was left only more exhausted. He had received little rest, for he had awoken numerous times with Eildir haunting his mind. Legolas' presence could only do so much, unfortunately.

The elf had wished he could do something more to help his friend but he hadn't wanted to leave his side, even for a few minutes. Besides, he couldn't force Estel to drink anything he didn't want to. He wouldn't.

Estel had gotten up as soon as he could. He knew that if he had tried when he had first awoken Legolas would have made him stay in bed and get more rest.

Therefore, he had waited until he knew Legolas couldn't argue. He didn't feel like talking.

First thing he did was bathe. He needed to get Eildir off him.

Legolas had gone to his chambers to change while Estel bathed and then had returned to wait for the man.

He didn't mind waiting. Guilt ate at him for giving up on his friend and then leaving him alone. He felt ashamed for it and couldn't believe he had done such a thing.

Finally, Estel emerged and then merely stood there for a moment.

Legolas could tell Estel was trying to say something and wondered why he was so hesitant.

"I'm going to see Eildir," the man stated, leaving no room for argument. Although, his voice was shaky and held a tinge of fear.

Legolas frowned, but nodded. He truly was against it. However, if this was what the man needed to do then he would be by his side nonetheless.

"Hannon le," Estel said gratefully. He thought for sure Legolas was going to try and convince him not to.

Legolas could only nod in return.

When they arrived at the chambers that Eildir was being held in, they found that Elrond was there as well, and that was exactly what Estel had been counting on.

Estel could tell that his father was furious and was hesitant about approaching.

Before he could give that another thought, Elrond turned around on him.

"Estel," the elder elf said in surprise. His anger was quickly pushed aside when it came to his son, especially after what he had gone through.

What Estel had seen was enough to confirm his worry.

"Adar, may I speak with you?" the man questioned seriously.

He refused to look around the room and focused solely on his father. He didn't know how he would react to Eildir. He didn't want to look at the elf quite yet.

While Elrond wanted to get this out of the way, he couldn't deny his son his audience and so the three of them stepped out, leaving the guards to keep an eye on Eildir.

Estel took a deep breath. "Have you sentenced him yet?" he quickly got to the point.

Legolas watched Estel closely. He sounded nervous and no longer knew what to expect from the man.

"We were just discussing that," the elf-lord said through clenched teeth.

Estel knew that his father's frustration and anger was not aimed at him.

"I would like to suggest exile."

Legolas gaped at Estel. So this was what had him so nervous. And with good reason!

Elrond had much the similiar response.

"Estel..." he started slowly. It was too soft a punishment. To do that to his son--to anyone...

"Ada, he was a friend," the man said quietly. He knew all too well how serious a crime this was. However, he just couldn't see an old friend suffer. It didn't matter how much he had.

Both understood where Estel was coming from, but didn't know if they could listen to his request.

Eildir was Legolas' old friend as well, older yet, and he was still infuriated at the elf. He knew he would never be able to forgive him. He also knew that Estel had forgiven him for the first time, but had he forgiven him for the attempt as well?

Elrond studied his son and knew that this was really what the man wanted.

He had been a friend.

The elder elf sighed heavily. He couldn't possibly make Estel suffer more.

He could only nod in response.

"Hannon le, Ada," the man said with a small smile. He knew neither agreed with the light punishment.

The elf-lord turned around and went back into the chambers.

Estel echoed the sigh. Maybe he shouldn't have asked, but he hadn't been able to help it. He had been thinking about it since he had awoken, the second time. Last night had been especially hard on him.

He jumped as a hand was placed on his shoulder.

He looked to the side.

It was Legolas.

Inwardly, he took a deep breath of relief. He couldn't stop the accompanying look, however.

Legolas squeezed his shoulder, apologetically.

Estel no longer wanted to be even close to the chambers.

............

That evening Eildir was to get out and to never return to Imladris. As an additional punishment, he was sent without any of his possessions.

Estel and Legolas watched from a balcony as Elrond, Elladan, Elrohir and the same guards as before accompanied Eildir to the border.

Eildir looked back as he was leaving and saw Estel watching.

Estel swallowed thickly. He could see Eildir's smirk from the torchlight, the gleam in his eyes only made brighter.

Estel's stomach churned and he gripped the railing tightly as he turned his head to the side and closed his eyes.

"Estel?" Legolas asked in concern.

The man immediately opened his eyes and looked at his friend.

"Nothing. I'm fine," he answered, swallowing his nausea. At Legolas' skeptical look, he added, "I shall be fine."

Legolas still did not like the response, but at least he was being honest. He decided to let the matter go.

Estel stepped away from the balcony and back inside.

Legolas took another quick look at Eildir. He was more than excited to see him go.

He paused.

The elf was looking back at him, grinning.

Legolas gritted his teeth and quickly joined Estel, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

The sick elf deserved a lot worse and usually would have received it. He wished the punishment would have been dealt. However, he was relieved that he could no longer touch his friend.

Later that evening Estel, Legolas, Elladan and Elrohir were in the library. Estel was actually able to relax in company for the first time in a long while.

He had allowed Legolas to tell the twins earlier that day about what had happened since he knew it couldn't have been avoided. He felt slightly guilty for making Legolas the bearer of bad news but there was no way he was going to be able to tell anyone. Thus far, Elladan and Elrohir had been careful about their attitudes towards the matter. He still wasn't even sure how he felt about everyone knowing what had happened, though, and tried to ignore that fact.

The door opened and Elrond entered, surprising the others.

"I thought I would join you," the elf-lord said, smiling. He had taken a break from his work when he had the chance. He wanted to be with his sons, especially his youngest. He needed to be.

He was relieved to see how at-ease Estel seemed at the moment.

If exile worked for Estel then it would for him as well. Seeing him now, he was grateful he had listened. Anything else would only have hurt him more.

Estel moved to the side on the couch so his father could sit beside him.

He knew that he was only there to check up on him, but he didn't mind. He was glad to see him.

It felt good to be able to relax with his father as well as Legolas and the twins.


	8. Shattered

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LotR, and every time I write this I always put 'now' instead of 'not'. xD

**Warnings**: NON-CON! Hit Back if you do not like!

Chapter eight! Be excited. -.- Anyway, I actually don't mind this chapter too much, and I hope you will enjoy it. It's longer than the rest. I don't know how it happened, but it did. .::shrugs::. Hope ya don't mind. n.n;;

Next chapter is the last and will be posted next week. Don't forget to let me know what you think. Enjoy, and Happy Holidays to everyone! n.n

* * *

**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Eight: Shattered**

Days passed and only the first night that Eildir left did Estel sleep through the night without awakening.

The nightmares returned.

The last look Eildir had given him haunted his memory, mixing with the previous nights he had had with the elf.

As more nights came and went, the man got more confused--he was exhausted, his mind played tricks on him.

The first few nights Legolas didn't say anything to Elrond. He figured the nightmares would pass since Eildir wasn't there. Also, Estel seemed more peaceful during the day; it was only the nights that he was restless. He had tried to talk to Estel, to console him but no matter how much it seemed to work during the day, Estel's subconscious fears would surface when night fell.

Elrond had noticed the dark shadows under Estel's eyes and was gravely concerned.

Elrond had given Estel some herbs to sleep but the man wouldn't take them. He was afraid of sleeping now and he was refusing to do so.

More days passed with Estel sleepless. They wondered how long he would be able to stop his body from succumbing.

Currently, Legolas and Estel were walking in the garden. Silence stretched between them.

Legolas kept shifting his gaze to the man in concern. He looked ready to collapse.

There was a bench nearby and Legolas led Estel there, hoping his friend wouldn't protest.

However, Estel's exhausted mind was too preoccupied trying to keep itself moving.

"Estel, mellon-nin..."

Estel quickly looked over at the voice to find a pair of sapphire eyes watching him worriedly. He realized that Legolas was waiting for a response of some sort.

He inwardly winced at his friend's frown. "I'm sorry, Legolas," he replied contritely, looking at his hands.

"Nay, Estel. I am merely worried about you," the wood-elf said gently, lifting Estel's gaze.

Estel flinched at the unexpected contact, but his eyes didn't waver.

"Just relax," Legolas said softly, leaning against the back of the bench and closing his eyes.

Estel took a deep, calming breath.

He started to close his eyes but stopped since he knew how quickly sleep would follow. Therefore, he followed Legolas' example and leaned against the bench as he looked up at the sky.

Clouds lazily floated by, birds chirpped and chased each other from tree to tree, water splashed from the fountain to his left...

Legolas' eyes shifted to Estel after a couple minutes.

He couldn't help but smile.

Estel still looked up but his eyes were now closed, his expression content.

Legolas relaxed fully, enjoying the nature and his friend's company.

He would sit there for as long as was needed.

............

When Estel had awoken later that evening to Legolas sitting next to him, he had been slightly upset with him. He knew the archer had to have gone there with that intention in mind.

However, he realized he hadn't even dreamed. He had smiled at Legolas and then relaxed back against the bench again.

The following nights Estel seemed to be on the mend in everyone's eyes. He seemed more calm all around. His nights passed with fewer nightmares, though only when the candles were lit. Whenever he was plagued with a nightmare it was terrible. Most of the time he couldn't even get to sleep the next night.

Nevertheless, the others were pleased with the improvements--with the fact that he was improving. Estel also couldn't argue, especially since his friends were no longer hovering over him as much. While he knew their reasons and couldn't blame them, it could get suffocating at times. Legolas esepecially since he had practically refused to leave his side for days. He had been sticking my his side even more than when they had gone on their trip, seemingly forever ago.

Estel had even kicked Legolas out of his bedchambers, insisting that he sleep on his own bed. Even if he was an elf, chairs were never comfortable.

Reluctantly, the protective prince had agreed but only because his own bedchambers were across the hall. He also made a condition that Estel keep his door cracked so he would hear if something was amiss. Remembering when Eildir had slipped into his chambers, Estel could not argue, and honestly didn't want to.

The first night by himself was slightly tough for the man. He was ashamed to admit it but he was almost scared of being alone. He kept thinking that he would be attacked again.

He had to keep telling himself that Eildir was no longer in the house; no longer in Imladris. Legolas' door was open as well and would hear if he shouted.

He had slept somewhat fitfully that night but the next one went smoother. He was the most grateful for the fewer nightmares.

Now, however, Estel laid wide awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. Something didn't feel right and it was keeping him from some much-needed sleep.

Suddenly, his door opened wider and a figure stepped in, closing the door behind him.

"Legolas?" he questioned and turned to face the door.

No response was given.

And none was necessary.

As soon as Estel turned over, the candlelight showed his worst fear.

Eildir.

"But..." It was all he could mutter.

"Did you really think I would stay away?" the auburn haired elf grinned.

Eildir closed the gap between them and was on Estel before the man even knew what had happened.

"Legolas! Legolas!" the man shouted, struggling against his old friend.

"Yell all you want. Help will not come," Eildir said with a smirk.

Estel's eyes widened in panic.

What had he done?

Was Legolas all right? What about his father, Elrohir, Elladan...?

No help...

Darkness.

Then, he was in his bedchambers, but by himself.

He blinked, confused.

A tear fell.

A dream.

All a dream. They were so hard to tell from reality.

He took a deep breath and relaxed his body in relief.

He flopped his arms across his face and covered his eyes.

Eildir's smirk mocked him.

Immediately, he sat up.

Resting his elbows on his knees, he bowed his head.

Would these nightmares haunt him for the rest of his life? Was he going to be constantly reminded of his weakness?

Estel stood and put his shoes and an overcoat on.

He very quietly slipped out of his door and, checking on Legolas, he wandered down the hall.

The best part about this time of night was that no one was in the halls--even most of the servants had retired.

He was a little unnerved about walking by himself in the dark halls at this hour, especially after his dream and he kept a sharp eye out.

Estel wasn't surprised when he found that his feet had carried him to the garden.

He smiled slightly. The garden was like his sanctuary.

Estel sat down under his favorite tree with his back against the trunk, the thick leaves serving as an additional shield from his inner demons.

He just had to be back in his bed by the time Legolas awoke. He didn't want his friend to know that he had another nightmare, let alone that he had escaped to the garden because of it.

He knew Legolas would have wanted to be there with him.

The man sighed deeply, looking up at the dark leaves above him, shadowed by the night. He could see the star-littered sky through the leaves above, the crescent moon behind a different tree to his right.

There was only a slight breeze, just enough to caress his skin, to play with strands of his hair.

Silver eyes closed.

This was what he needed; not someone hovering.

A hand covered his mouth.

His eyes snapped open, fully alert.

He tried to get up but another hand had snaked around his waist, holding him firmly in place.

_This is another nightmare. I'm still in my bed. A nightmare,_ he kept thinking over and over, closing his eyes.

"Miss me?" Eildir breathed into Estel's ear.

A shiver ran down the man's spine.

He now wished that he had accidently awoken Legolas. Now no one knew where he was.

"It took a long time for them to finally leave you alone..." the elf said quietly, kissing Estel's cheek.

The man flinched and tried to escape the grasp again.

"Oh no, you are not going anywhere. You really could not have picked a better place to finally be alone, Estel," Eildir purred.

Eildir moved around in front of Estel, the grin he wore sending fear shooting through the man's body.

This part of the garden was the most secluded.

Suddenly, lips were pressed against his.

He gasped in shock and a tongue quickly took advantage.

Estel bit down hard at the intrusion.

However, Eildir merely sat back with a smirk.

The man swallowed thickly.

He couldn't allow this to happen again.

Before he could think of anything else, Eildir threw him off the tree and against the ground roughly.

"Do not even think about it," Eildir said, replacing his hand over Estel's mouth.

His shouting could attract a random someone walking down the halls.

Estel kicked and bucked and hit the elf, anything he could think of to get his old friend off him. He knew his every intention now. All too well.

However, Eildir held firm and panic once more seized Estel.

He went limp, numb.

He blocked it out.

Eildir continued as he pleased after the broken man gave up so quickly. "Disappointing," he said, clicking his tongue.

However, as soon as he started to unlace Estel's leggings, the man kicked at him forcefully.

Eildir fell back against the ground, stunned.

Estel didn't waste his chance and ran back towards the house.

Eildir recovered and caught up to the man, tackling him to the ground.

Estel breathed heavily, fear seen in his stormy eyes at the angered look that Eildir now wore. He didn't think he had ever seen his friend angry...

Abruptly, a knife was at his throat.

His breath caught and he stopped all movement.

"You will do as I say," Eildir commanded through clenched teeth.

Estel said nothing, terrified. This one elf had placed more fear in him than anything ever had. He wanted nothing more than to swallow that fear and fight back.

"Unlace," Eildir directed.

Estel blinked at the elf.

Eildir looked down briefly at Estel and then back up to his face, repeating, "Unlace."

Then it clicked.

Estel refused to move.

The knife pressed closer to his neck, a thin red line appearing.

The elf's gaze never moved from Estel's and the man could see the gleam of excitement they held.

The man seethed, anger replacing his fear and despair.

How dare he?

Estel lowered a hand to his leggings.

Eildir smiled mockingly at him.

However, that smile was quickly covered with an expression of shock and pain.

Eildir had always let his guard down around Estel and that had given him his chance.

He had grabbed the knife from elf's loose grip and thrust it into his stomach before he could react.

Estel had felt the bite of the blade but he didn't even notice it now.

He could only watch Eildir as the elf pulled the knife out.

Eildir sat back, holding the wound.

Estel sat transfixed by the sight of his old friend lying lifeless before him.

Estel knew that the elf could be saved if he were to treat the wound. However, he couldn't get himself to move. No matter how hard he thought about it, how hard he tried to get his body to move, he just felt... numb. It was so surreal.

He sat there and stared.

What had he done? He had meant to spare his old friend's life...

"Estel!" someone shouted, seemingly far away.

Legolas stopped cold at the sight before him.

Eildir.

He had gotten back into Imladris and Elrond's house. That, however, was not his main concern. The elf looked dead...

Legolas kneeled in front of Estel and noticed a thin red line on his neck. He looked over at Eildir briefly, seeing a knife. Returning his gaze back to Estel he could see that the wound no longer bled.

He placed a hand on Estel's shoulder and looked directly into his grey eyes.

Estel's eyes didn't look back into his for they were locked on the still body not far from them.

Legolas tried to block his view to get the man's attention. However, he continued to just stare.

The archer was greatly worried for his fragile friend. He couldn't believe that he hadn't been there for him. He could have spared him so much pain...

"Estel, mellon-nin, look at me," the elf said sternly but gently.

Estel didn't blink.

Legolas swore under his breath.

He looked around. No one was within sight, of course.

He hadn't alerted anyone else of Estel's disappearance. He hadn't thought it was a big deal, just that he man wanted to wander.

It should have been safe.

Because of this, though, he had a dilemma. He didn't want to leave Estel alone, but he also couldn't leave Eildir there.

Legolas sighed deeply in resignation.

He would have to find a maid or servant in the halls to get Elrond.

"I shall be right back, Estel," he said, squeezing the man's shoulder before standing.

He would have to make this quick. He didn't know how long Estel had already been like that. How long had Eildir been dead?

Legolas sprinted into the hall faster than ever before and kept going until he almost ran into a maid.

She immediately forgot her current task after talking with the prince and hurried to Lord Elrond.

He let out a breath of relief and then ran back to Estel. It could have only been ten minutes.

When he got back to his friend he was in the same position as before. He really no longer knew if this was a good or bad thing.

"Let us move to the tree, mellon-nin," Legolas suggested gently, trying to get the man to move. He hoped he would be able to draw in some comfort from his favorite tree and possibly from his presence.

However, even when slightly pulled, Estel would not budge an inch.

His eyes stared blankly, seeing something unknown to Legolas.

He was so helpless!

Legolas pulled Estel into a tight hug as despair washed over him and he felt tears well-up in frustration.

"Estel, mellon-nin," he choked out.

The man sat limp in Legolas' embrace.


	9. Life

**Disclaimer**: Of course, I don't know LotR.

**Warnings**: Non-con.

Here we have the last chapter. I know this has been a bad time for me to post these last couple of chapters, but... Sorry? Anyway, I really do hope you enjoy. I'm not too sure how I feel about it, besides the fact that I'm excited it's over... xD

Sorry for any errors. I'm practically falling asleep while typing... But I _had_ to post it now. New stories, new year. n.n

Enjoy, and don't forget to let me know what ya think! Hope I don't disappoint anyone, and that the ending isn't too abrupt...

* * *

**Shame Needs No Voice**

**Chapter Nine: Life**

Elrond faintly heard Elladan and Elrohir's surprised gasps behind him. They had seen their father rush past their chambers and had tried to get his attention. However, he didn't so much as gesture at them and so they followed him, concerned.

The elf-lord froze at the sight before him.

Legolas was holding his son tightly as if to hold him together, while the man hung there limply. His first thought was that he had been hurt, but the stormy eyes were open, staring straight ahead blankly.

Eildir was not too far from the two, lying on the ground, unmoving.

He had to wonder how the exiled elf had managed to sneak his way back into his home. At the moment he could only guess as to what had happened, for he needed to take care of the situation first.

The elder elf kneeled next to Legolas and Estel, placing a hand on his son's shoulder. "Estel, ion-nin, you are safe now," he said assuringly. He didn't expect an answer. He almost said it more to himself, relieved to know the statement to be true.

Eildir had clearly been more determined than any of them had thought.

His mind raced: What he should have done, what he should do, what needed to be done, where to start, what not to do...

_First thing first_, he decided. He needed to take care of his son. He needed to somehow get him out of his stupor.

He ordered the maid to fetch two guards so they could move Eildir's body. Seeing his old friend dead, and from his own hands, would not help Estel. At least he assumed Estel had killed the elf.

After the guards had removed Eildir's body, Estel numbly stood up--with some help. The man still stared and they had to wonder if he heard anything they said.

They all watched Estel closely, greatly concerned by his behavior.

However, no one said anything as they made their way to Estel's bedchambers, hoping that the man would be able to get some rest. They were almost surprised when Estel actually laid down.

Legolas resumed his vigil by his friend's side, now accompanied by Elladan and Elrohir.

Elrond had stayed next to his youngest for a couple hours before he had to leave. He also had to decide what to do about Eildir.

They couldn't believe they had allowed this to happen. As if the first and second assault hadn't been bad enough, the third must have finally broken Estel

Eventually, Estel's eyes closed. He hadn't gotten any sleep so they figured it was exhaustion that finally cut off the world for him.

Legolas suddenly sighed, his eyes glued on his friend. "I should have strangled Eildir myself," he said with a snarl.

Not only would Eildir not have been able to try again, but he also wouldn't have died by Estel's hands. The man had obviously wanted him alive.

Elladan and Elrohir quickly looked from their brother to their friend at the venom in the spiteful words. Never had they heard the prince talk like that.

However, they did not blame Legolas, for they felt much the same way. They were sure that Legolas felt guilty for Estel's state of mind as well since he had been the one watching over him the most.

Legolas was still unsure of exactly what had awoken him so late in the night. He was just extremely grateful. He had awoken with a strange feeling and it had pushed him to check on Estel. He had been alarmed to find the man missing from his bed. An unknown fear had seized him and he had immediately searched for him. He couldn't imagine how it would have gone if someone else had found the son of Elrond broken next to a dead body.

How long would Estel have stayed there?

How long _had_ he stayed there?

Legolas' mind wandered through different scenarios while he stared at the thin red line across Estel's neck. It had been a shallow wound, hadn't even been bleeding when he got there, but what if it had been deeper? What if Estel had angered Eildir more? Would Estel be the one that had been lying there when he arrived?

He felt so useless. He hadn't been there for his friend. He had known the man had wanted more space, but... still. He should have checked up on him more often.

He nearly jumped when a hand gently squeezed his shoulder.

"You must not blame yourself so, mellon-nin," Elladan said caringly.

Legolas turned to look at Elladan, but soon looked away.

"Estel would not want you to," the elder twin continued. He knew it to be true.

And so did Legolas.

But...

The archer's gaze shifted back to Estel's neck. "I should have stayed with him," he said almost too softly.

"He's the one who wants to be able to sleep alone. We cannot babysit him forever, Legolas," Elladan said firmly. It would take even longer for the man to recover now.

Legolas sighed. He knew that Elladan spoke the truth but he would never be able to forgive himself, especially not while his friend was in his current state of mind.

Elrohir stayed out of the conversation and listened sadly. He knew the archer would beat himself up over this and none could blame him, though they did wish he wouldn't so much. Even he felt guilty, felt like he could have done something, felt like he should have been there for his younger brother...

All any of them could do now was wait.

...............

Legolas gasped in shock as Estel abruptly woke up, eyes wide open with fear as he took in great gulps of air.

"Estel!" the blonde exclaimed in surprise and sat up straight. "Be calm, mellon-nin. Everything is all right now."

Elladan and Elrohir had stood up from their seats but neither moved, for they didn't want to crowd the man.

Estel sat up and looked around the room in confusion.

Legolas frowned deeply. "What's wrong, Estel?" he questioned in concern.

The man finally settled his gaze on Legolas. "What happened?" he asked almost in a panic.

The twins and Legolas stared at the man in shock.

"What do you remember?" the archer asked in return, praying that Estel would actually remember. He didn't want to explain, and he was sure it would make things worse.

Estel sat there for a while, staring at the wall, thinking. He closed his eyes tightly.

Then his eyes opened in horror.

"I..." the man trailed off, unsure.

The others looked at him expectantly.

"Please tell me it is not true..." He didn't want to believe it. "It was a dream, right?"

Legolas closed his eyes sadly, avoiding the pleading grey eyes. He slowly shook his head. A thick silence blanketed the chambers.

Legolas wanted to pull his friend in to a tight hug and hold him together.

Estel sighed and closed his eyes, surprsing the others. He could have saved Eildir. Even though his name alone sent a pain through his heart, he still hadn't wished for his death. Yet, he had died by his own hands.

He could have saved him.

"Mellon-nin, it was self-defense," Legolas said softly, sitting back down to be at the same level.

"I let him..." Estel started.

"Your are not to blame," Legolas reminded.

"I should have done something!" Estel suddenly shouted

He lowered his gaze. They couldn't understand. He just sat there and watched as Eildir died!

No one knew what to say. All Legolas and the twins wanted to do was comfort their brother and friend. However, they didn't know how.

Silence filled the room louder than any noise they could make.

Estel turned away from them and faced the wall.

Words ran through Legolas' mind, hoping that he could bring out something that could help.

He clenched his fists tightly on his lap in frustration.

He knew that nothing he said would change the man's mind.

............

Estel didn't budge from his chambers, even days later and he barely ate anything.

Everyone was growing increasingly concerned. They knew that Eildir's death had affected him greatly but they would never had imagined it would be this harsh.

Elrond figured it was not only the fact that Estel had wounded Eildir and done nothing--and therefore killing him--but because of Eildir's previous offense and the stress with exhaustion the man suffered.

None of them knew what to do to help. Legolas was always by Estel's side and if exhaustion pulled him under, one of the twins were there. They kept a close eye on their loved one for they feared he might attempt suicide again.

Occasionally, the man would run his fingers across the bandage around his neck. Legolas shuddered whenever Estel did this.

Finally, almost a week after Eildir's death Estel brushed off his covers and stood up, determined.

Legolas was the only one with him. Seeing the fire in Estel's, he didn't know whether to feel relief or fear.

He immediately stood.

"Estel..." he started but fell short.

The man turned to him, his eyes a steel grey.

"Why do you stop me? I am not injured." The flat tone to his friend's voice sent a chill down Legolas' spine.

Legolas took a deep breath and stepped aside. There was no real reason why the man couldn't get up. He just didn't know what to expect.

"Forgive me, mellon-nin. You surprised me," he said sincerely. However, he wouldn't leave Estel alone.

Estel said nothing as he turned around again and left.

Legolas merely sighed and followed the man. He had to admit, though, he was extremely curious as to where he was going.

Estel had known Legolas would follow him so didn't try to convince him to leave.

They walked in silence for what felt like hours when, all of a sudden, Estel stopped.

"Where was Eildir burried?" he asked in a whisper.

Legolas froze and had to think for a moment. Would this help the man or make it worse? Could it get any worse?

He looked at Estel, and inwardly sighed. He would go there with or without his help.

"I shall take you there," he relented.

He stepped next to his friend and they walked together.

Eildir's grave had been put in the forest, secluded from everything. It had been left unmarked for the deeds he had commited were unforgivable. The only way anyone could tell was because of the loose dirt and grass.

Legolas stood back and watched, knowing Estel needed time to himself.

Estel just stood there, staring for a long time. He couldn't believe it had come down to this. He had tried to prevent it. It was why he had convinced his father to put him under exile.

Now... Now he lay in an unmarked grave and it was his fault.

He knew if Eildir had lived, he would never have been able to forgive him. However, he had been his friend.

Estel kneeled beside the grave, his hands on his knees.

Could he have done something different?

Something that would have kept Eildir alive?

He squeezed his eyes shut in despair as he bowed his head, dark strands covered his face.

Legolas watched sadly . While he was angry at Eildir, he could still understand Estel's pain. Although, he felt their old friend had gotten what he deserved.

He wished he could have spared Estel.

Memories ran through Estel's mind, good and bad.

It was ironic how he had nearly taken his own life not too long ago at the lake, but he had taken Eildir's life to save his own.

Did he truly want to live then?

Legolas' helpless and depressed expressions crossed his mind as well as his family.

Guilt crushed him.

He stood.

Legolas was startled by the abrupt movement and wondered what his friend was doing.

Estel looked the elf in the eyes, his stormy eyes filled with... something Legolas couldn't quite place.

"Hannon le," Estel stated with a small smile.

Legolas was deeply surprised and could only stare at the man, waiting for what was next.

"I cannot let Eildir's death be for nothing," Estel continued. He had been the cause of the elf's death. He couldn't let him die just for him to kill himself. He knew, however, that his emotional scars would be hard to overcome. He would try.

Legolas smiled at Estel. He would help his friend get through this. He would do everything he could.

Estel hesitated and then slowly moved to Legolas. Then he pulled the elf into a hug.

Legolas could feel Estel's body tremble but he felt assured by the gesture.

"Hannon le, mellon-nin," he returned with a grin.,


End file.
